For me, 2014 was my best year yet. I’ve had a wonderful time at Uni, been on two brilliant holidays, met a lovely new boy… It’s been a cracker. But like the years before it, I’ve learnt some invaluable life lessons I will cherish and take into the New Year.
1. Green Smoothies are foods of the Gods.
They taste delicious and are absolutely packed with goodness. Start drinking them, you will literally feel better.
2. It’s ok to get inventive with your pizza toppings.
Before this revolutionary idea, I was a straight up margherita gal. Now I experiment with vegetables, meats, and cheeses other than mozzarella. It has truly changed my life.
3. Speaking Latvian is really fucking difficult.
So my ‘unboyfriend’ is Latvian. He speaks absolutely perfect English, so I figured it would be nice if I were to just learn a few simple phrases in Latvian (how fucking adorable am I?) I’m about as good as speaking Latvian as Joey is at speaking French. Unboyfriend will very slowly say a word, I’ll very slowly repeat, and he will sigh and inform me I’ve done it wrong. To me, it sounds the same, to him, I’m speaking my own made up language.
4. Gin and Tonics are the new way to get drunk.
They’re low in calories and it’ll get you wasted. What more could you ask for?
5. It is possible to write a dissertation in a week.
If you’re willing to lock yourself away, burying yourself in a pile of books and papers, that is. Writing a dissertation in a week is not smart, and it’ll leave you stressed and depressed. But if needs must…
6. Electric toothbrushes are far superior to regular toothbrushes.
My electric toothbrush might actually be the best thing that has happened to me all year.
7. It is possible to pull guys when dressed like a fucking idiot.
I met unboyfriend at a party where I was dressed up as the Union Jack. Never looked back since. Yes, I’ve got game.
8. I am the single best wing woman you’ll ever meet.
There is a reason I’m the self proclaimed ‘fairy fuckmother.’ Wanna get laid? Give me a call and I’ll make it happen. I take this role seriously and will devise a strategic plan. I currently work for free, but am considering now charging, as my CV is truly extensive.
9. It’s ok to fall off a banana boat.
For those of us who took 21 years to experience the terror that is riding a banana boat due to a childhood deprived of siblings, we are not aware that the nice Spanish men are trying to make you fall off. Therefore allowing yourself to gracelessly topple into the water is far easier than clinging on for dear life, shrieking like a moron, begging the nice Spanish men to “STAAAAPPPHHH.”
10. Being inappropriately drunk will always be more fun than standing around looking pretty, taking photos of you and your friends.
Nope, I still didn’t grow up last year, and I’m doubtful I will in 2015 either. Yes ok at the end of the night I’ve often got false eyelashes hanging off my face, I’ve possibly had sex in a park, maybe thrown up in a club and even potentially awoken in a strange location totally alien to me. But y’know what? I’ve had a fucking good night. I sure as hell didn’t reapply my make-up sixteen times and smile for the camera, before heading home to bed at 1am, where I’ve promptly removed the now 25 layers of foundation from my face.
11. I fucking hate Snapchat stories of you and your pals in the club more than anything else on this planet.
It is the bane of my life. It is not amusing. I do not think your life is more interesting than mine. I literally just think you’re a bellend who isn’t enjoying yourself half as much as you’re making out in your fucking video. Put your fucking phone away, and go get a tequila shot.
12. The £3.98 bottle of rose from Aldi is still the nicest wine in the world.
Yet I still don’t know the name of it. It’s the one with the lizard on the bottle. You should try it.
13. Everyone loves a bandwagon, and this year it was ‘Frozen’ which to be honest, was horrendously overrated.
The talking snowmans pretty cute, and the songs are painfully catchy, but other than that, this film is so astonishingly overrated. It just isn’t that good. To see people my age get so excited about a Disney film is frankly a little embarrassing. Calm yourself.
14. To do a press up.
Yup. 2014 was the year of the gym. Though my arms remain weak and feeble, for the first time in my life, I can do a press up.
15. Avocados are almost a totally a whole food group.
In 2014 I avocado’d until I could not avocado anymore. For any given meal the addition of an avocado will only better the situation. Much like cheese or ketchup, avocado can be eaten with absolutely anything. I pity the first twenty years for my life, for they were spent as an avocado-less existence. Now i’ve tasted the buttery deliciousness there is no going back. Remember, an avocado will never wake up in the morning and tell you it doesn’t love you anymore.
16. My idol is no longer Angelina Jolie, it is now Steph and Dom from Gogglebox.
If you’re ever interested in what precisely I want my life to look like at the age of 40+, turn your attention to Steph and Dom.
RIP 2014, you were bloody brilliant. Hopefully 2015 will leave me feeling as wise as 2014 did.