Sex chats with you girlfriends are fun, and throughout my life, I have had many of them. There are few things as hilarious as hearing about your mates conquests, and the random scenarios in which they took place. I have my own bank of amusing sex stories that have caused a few giggles over the years. It all is just simple, clean (ish) fun.Only, when you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t feel that way. Suddenly sex with someone you care about is personal, you don’t want to share the gritty details because it’s something private that the two of you share. Or at least I think so, but perhaps i’m being a prude?
Back when I was a teen, every last sexual milestone was celebrated with a detailed, surgically–precise, run down of exactly what went where, with your girlfriends. We got a little older and grew into the classic ‘morning after’ chat, with fewer gritty sex details and more “yeah, we banged and then I puked in his shoe, oops.” Then we grew up some more, most of us got into relationships, and slowly the conversation turned to the human connection between partners, rather than the physical one.
Until now, anyway. Fairly recently i’ve become friends with a group of girls who are all single, and Jesus Christ, the chat gets graphic. I’ll be honest, I love hearing their sex stories. My Whatsapp now feels like a personalised Sex and the City script, complete with humour, heartache and painfully vivid descriptions of penises. It’s all a big laugh until I, Captain Dull over here, realised that all I have replied in days is “hahahahaha” and the crying, laughing emoji. I immediately had a proper Mark Corrigan moment of social insecurity I wondered how astonishingly boring I must be coming across, ‘They’re going to think I never shag my boyfriend, aren’t they?’ I thought.
Then I realised that actually, I don’t care. I’d rather everyone think i’m some sort of born again virgin than talk about sex with my boyfriend. Of course, each to their own, there’s nothing wrong with talking about sex when you’re in a relationship, but I also don’t think there’s anything particularly right about it either. It just feels too personal, I would hate unwittingly say something that might embarrass Rai, and I wouldn’t want anybody to judge our relationship based upon something that matters to nobody but us. I was curious to hear his opinion on this, and fortunately, he felt exactly the same way.
I guess nobody cares about ‘Tinder Joe’ and his feelings, but when its your partner, whose secrets you would keep even under torture and whose battles you’d fight even if you think they’re wrong, to me, talking about sex just feels like a breach of trust.
P.S. I kept typing ‘parents’ instead of ‘partner’ and had to correct myself literally three or four times. Quick, someone call Sigmund fucking Freud.